Feb 9, 2012

How to Wreck Your Search Rankings in Four Easy Steps

Poke around the NetSource blog here for long enough, and you’re bound to bump into a number of posts about search engine optimization . Search the big, wide Internet and you’ll find even more information about it.

A lot of people think SEO is pretty important. You know what? Ignore them. A website with good search engine rankings is nothing but trouble. When lots of potential customers find your business website at the top the search results, you get lots of pesky telephone calls and your e-mail inbox fills up with inquiries from people who might actually want you to do work for them (or send them something) in exchange for money. Yuck.

Sounds horrible, doesn’t it? Don’t despair. You might think it’s hard to goof up your search engine rankings — but I can help. Here are my Four Easy Steps that will get the job done for you quicker than you can say “keyword spamming”:

Ignore the Basics

Never mind the elementary steps that can help your website establish a baseline presence in the search engines. Individualized page titles and headlines? Relevant text content and links? Search-friendly navigation and coding? Forget about all of that. In fact, find the word “relevant” in your office dictionary and rip it out.

In addition to basic destruction, there are deep, dark secrets involved in totally pulverizing your search rankings. Those off-shore companies that say they can sell you guaranteed search engine placement? They know those secrets. Hire one of them; in just a few days, even your own employees won’t be able to find your website. Trust me on this.

Believe in the Power of The Bozo

You don’t need to hire professionals. Any Bozo can manage your website’s search engine optimization. This works especially well if The Bozo is a friend or relative who’s read the back cover of a book about SEO printed in 2002. Think about how much fun you’ll have at your next get-together, where you can both have a good laugh about the two visitors who accidentally stumbled onto your home page last month.

Be Tricky

Do a little research and you can come up with a vast of array of search engine tricks that date from the Dawn of the Search Engine. Unmarked links. Invisible text. Teeny, tiny type jammed at the bottom of a page. Filling the “Keyword” meta-tag with phrases that are popular, but have nothing to do with your website. Repeating your main keyword phrase in every sentence on a page.

These are all powerful tools. A few years ago, search engines started ignoring all of them. Now it’s even better; the search engines will actually bomb your site’s search rankings because of them.

Do It “Later”

The earlier you start the SEO process, the more effective it will be. Working SEO concerns into the planning process for your website is a crazy idea that will punish you in the long run with more traffic and pesky customers. Postpone optimizing your website for as long as possible.

This tactic is especially effective if you wait until your website has been live for at least six months, then bring in The Bozo (see above) to rip up everything. If The Bozo also is clever enough to Be Tricky (see above again), it’s like handing your business over to a super-villain. Your search rankings will be smashed flat in no time.

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